FINDING CLARITY

When I was about 15 or maybe 16 years old, I always knew what I wanted to do in life. I had a clear goal and path I wanted to take. I was pretty naive back then, I mean, we all were around that age.

I wanted to take tourism as my major, not because I was confident I had the face for it, but because I wanted to make use of my awkward height. I think I’ve been 5'5" my whole life (kidding). I wanted to work part-time as a barista while studying, graduate, land a job as a flight attendant, get my own apartment, travel the world, and most importantly, lift my family out of poverty.

Looking at it now, I think I could’ve done all of that if I had the opportunity. Some people say you create opportunities, but I bet they’ve never been 17, insecure, possibly going through depression, and being told by your own father to stop going to college because they can’t afford it, while still not old enough to work full-time. Dreams crushed, just like that.

I think that was the time I stopped dreaming for myself and simply started surviving. I got a job at eighteen, exactly on my birthday.

I remember dreaming of an extravagant debut—dances, gifts, and lots of food. But deep down, I knew we could never afford it. Hey, a girl can dream.

I remember sitting in that interview room with a few other applicants. When I was asked about my hobby, I said I loved reading and shared the most recent book I had finished. I went home that day around 5 PM with a smile on my face, feeling confident that I would get the job—and I did.

I knew that if I was given a chance, a chance not to worry about my family’s livelihood, I probably would’ve excelled in school.

My mom did the best she could, and so did my father. They tried their best to provide, and we always had a roof over our heads. But I wish I wasn’t such a shy, insecure kid back then. I never had confidence, and I never knew where to find it.

I didn’t want my schoolmates to see me or my family as struggling. I avoided showing that I couldn’t afford some of our projects or school activities. I always had excuses for why I couldn’t attend field trips.

I remember one Christmas party. It wasn’t mandatory to order the same food as everyone else, but as a kid, you always want to belong. Everyone submitted their orders for the class meal, while me and my sisters just brought packed lunch—rice and chicken. For my mom, it was the same. For me, it wasn’t.

By the time everyone was eating, I walked out of the classroom and found a place where no one could see me. I ate in silence.

I’ve always been that kid. I didn’t want to be made fun of, so I learned to either blend in or disappear. Those experiences made it hard to focus on my studies, but I still managed to graduate Top 11 in our class. I was always “almost.”

Looking back now, I think I could’ve had a different future, maybe even a different present. I know God has a purpose for everything that happened, and I’ve always said, “everything happens for a reason.”

But here I am, still searching for the same clarity I had back then. I’m 28 now, and I’m still figuring things out.